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This is harder than it looks.

If you check my phone, you’d think i was rather vain… I’ve taken about 200 selfies in the last year! Most of the time, it’s because i was having a really good hair day, eyebrow or eyeliner day and have to capture every angle of it, but a lot of them are random goofy shots (like the one with the honey moisturizing “looking like Jason” mask on). It’s not because i’m all into myself, but… um, no really, i’m not.

But something i didn’t realize i was unusually uncomfortable with was speaking on camera. I’ve been in plays (always had a flair for the dramatic), tend to take over a group conversation (didn’t ask your opinion on that), turn a 5 min story into a full-on


This is only half of the takes from trying to shoot 1.5 minutes of video…

one woman stage production (don’t get me started!),  and sing in front of my congregation, but making this video for Kickstarter has been an eyeopener! Trying to be casual, but business-focused, persuasive, but not pushy, scripted, but spontaneous is not easy! And having these big budget production ideas in my head isn’t helping either… Oh for a couple tripods and a boom mic!

I was talking to my mom this past weekend about the projects i’m working on for RSC and she said, “That’s a lot more thinking and planning than i would ever have put into anything. Are you biting off too much?”  Well, yes and no. Yes, I am throwing more balls in the air than i’m certain of what to do with, but can your goals ever be too big? Can you want for too much? Can you put a ruler next to your success and decide what’s excessive? I think not. At least i can’t.  I’m always going to want to Do, Be, Have, Give, Accomplish, See, Feel and Enjoy more. I have never aspired to Management, always Ownership. And Ownership takes time, effort and money. Lack of sleep, paragraphs of NNNNNN on your screen from falling asleep on the keyboard, missed playtimes, lots of takeout, unwarranted bitchiness, and researching till Google says, “stop it! shut it down!” all come along with striving for that next brass ring.

I am more than thankful that my family understands and supports my lunacy. My husband is my rock. We may be scraping pennies one week, but if i need to order cards, brochures, parchment paper, a t-shirt, whatever, he’ll say to go ahead, we’ll work it out. My son hates that i spend so much time working and that he can’t help me bake, but whenever he can, he’s sporting his RSC hat and handing out cards to folks (from perfect strangers to his kindergarten classmates). He cajoled me into putting down the laptop the other day to play half a game of Yahtzee, and I really appreciated it.

Side note: I currently have blue sparkly zebra striped toes. See, i told my son i was going to go get a pedi (read: escape!) and he wanted to go with me so he could pick the color. Um, no. So i took a picture of the color rack and sent it to him. Of all the hues of reds, corals, oranges and golds, he chose blue. I chose the pearl sparkle, the artist chose zebra stripes. The boy was pleased and i was relaxed… And that’s what counts.

Some days, i want to run away from it all, some days RSC is all i want to do. People look at my work and say, “You make this look so easy!” I wish it was. I really wish I had it as under control as it looks like i do. Ever seen a duck from below the surface? Yeah, that’s me. Truthfully, i actually do have a handle on things, it just doesn’t feel like it sometimes.

So what am i saying here? I’m saying straighten up your crown and keep stepping! Nobody haffi no what’s really going on behind the curtain. “Fake it till you make it” is as real as it comes. In choir, they tell us if you forget the words, just keep moving your mouth. If the music is off, just keep singing. Don’t make faces or look at each other funny, just keep rolling. The congregation may not have any idea something is wrong, unless you broadcast it. Same thing in life. If you stumble, make a dub step of it and keep moving. If you fall, strike a pose, laugh and get back up.  I’m working hard to keep this looking easy.  And eventually, it will be less hard. I’ve already seen improvements in my methodologies, so i know this to be true. Just keep at it. It’s worth the work!

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