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Truth is…

I’m a purist, a minimalist and in general, lazy.

I like things as simple and pared down as possible without sacrificing the pleasure principle. I do not impose my lunacy on you, but that’s what i put into your cakes. I’m not saying I take as many shortcuts as i can or use inferior products, but i’m going to take the fewest steps possible in effort to minimize the time and labor necessary to get your treats to you.

There are a lot of bakery options out there and the more popular and established bakeries do things just about the same way: bake, syrup, freeze, crumbcoat, freeze, decorate. That’s not me. Not that i don’t want to be “popular or established”, but i don’t intend to do things like they do because i like the simplicity of my process.  Bake, cool, baste, top. I make bundts for a reason, which i’ve shared with you before. Bundt cakes are pretty straight out of the pan. I don’t have to do much of anything to them for them to look nice. And some just look better naked. I mean, the golden curves, the sweet fullness, the gentle rise of her bosom… How is that not beautiful? Why would i want to cover all that in [gag] extra thick, sugary, uber-fluffy frosting? Or worse yet, inedible fondant? Or carve it away to make it look like a pair of shoes, covered in inedible fondant? No, you get a perfectly round, full bottomed cake with just enough sweet topping to compliment its flavor.

Except for Sipps, I don’t freeze my cakes. I’ve heard it makes them more moist, helps lessen crumbing, and makes it easier to decorate. But i don’t have a problem with those things. More likely than not, my cake is in your hands within 48 hours of baking it. Just like In-N-Out, fresh, never frozen. And so i’ve been told, “real bakers” pour flavored simple syrups over their cakes to also increase moisture and add flavor. Again, i don’t have those issues. I baste your cake in alcohol because it tastes good and that’s what you’re paying for.

Speaking of… Taste. That’s the most important part to me. Do you eat a cake for the frosting? For the look? The design? No. You eat a cake because you want CAKE. This is where i become the purist. Cake is a sweet, moist, sponge pastry that elicits feelings of euphoria and satisfaction with every bite.  It has been known to cause addiction, but when enjoyed responsibly, it can temporarily abate just about every mental condition*. The alcohol content of my cakes is not high enough to cause intoxication, but does heighten the euphoric experience dramatically. It may cause the eater to close their eyes, drop their head, moan, and in extreme cases, slap their mothers. I caution one not to eat while driving to prevent accidents, like losing control while chasing crumbs down one’s lap. These may seem like worrisome reactions, but this is exactly what i strive for each time mixer hits bowl. As one now regular patron said to me the first time he tried my cake, “My momma is mad at you…” Therein lies my joy.

Overstand my loves, I’m not knocking bakeries. i love a good bakery cake as much as the rest of you. i’ve been slightly disillusioned by the revelation of the process, but it doesn’t change how much i enjoy and appreciate a good store-bought cake.  (non sequitur: my coworkers refused to buy me a cake for my birthday because “she’s the Cake Lady”, and bought me ice cream instead. Umm, candles go in cake…). I’ve just been kinda dumbfounded by the whole “professional bakers” process.

Here’s the thing though: even though i minimize as much as possible to keep my labor costs low, and use a variety of pre-made ingredients to keep material costs low, i’m still undercutting myself (read: hara-kiri impaling myself) on my pricing. I love making affordable, accesible, amazing creations for you, but i have got to increase my pricing.  Quality is worth whatever price you pay for it. I believe you value my work enough to keep riding with me. (sidenote: based on pricing matrices, i should be charging upwards of $60-$70 for a cake. that’s crazy. worth it, but crazy.)

Now, having shared the essence of my process with you, i hope you get a true understanding why my laziness is to your benefit. How my simplification increases your satisfaction. That my minimization equals your maximization. Will i one day be a big time bakery? With your support, yep. Will i one day bake like the big boys? Still not likely. Will i one day charge like the big boys? Hope not. Any way it goes, I want my cakes to stay personal, handcrafted and simple. Because that’s how you like them.  And i’m lazy.

*Statement has not been verified by the FDA or CDC, simply because they have not had my cake yet. Validation pending confirmation of address and number of essential employees.

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